I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
