I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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