Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
