you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
