also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
