there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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