that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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