so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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