I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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