theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
