I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
