In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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