Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
