i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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