took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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