Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
