Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
