i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
smell my finger.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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