I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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