she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
