Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize