An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We need to get me chipped asap
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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