yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him