Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.