he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good