I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.