ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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