The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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