Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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