I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
