bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
