You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
