im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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