Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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