remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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