i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
