The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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