I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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