mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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