Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Randomize
