just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
