It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
