Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
