Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
