Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
