she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Screwed.edu
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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