he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
