Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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