My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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