I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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