My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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