We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
