Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
