I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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