I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
