I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
