You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
